I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
