so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
