so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
