you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
