I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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