I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
