I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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