Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
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He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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