I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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