Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
