I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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