Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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