after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
