when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We had sex on a dog bed..
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"