I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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