so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
