Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
being pregnant is like rehab
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
