He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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