In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
