recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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