If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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