if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
