WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
