Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
