Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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