So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just pynch a tree in the face
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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