the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
where are you?
Hypothermia
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
