Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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