I'm lost and stupid without you.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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