he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think my fart just growled at me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
