I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
