My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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