i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
