mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously