does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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