I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
