Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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