Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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