Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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