You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize