I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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