Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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