you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
