there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
