i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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