That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
