i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
