Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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