Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
