I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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