So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
