go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize