Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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