You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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