...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
