It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
