dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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