I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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