So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
