just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
