if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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