I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
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