She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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