i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
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I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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