Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
